Huge, huge, huge lesson learned!!!
I was listening to the Ultimate Man’s Summit tapes and Carista Luminare was talking about healthy love in relationships. In the past, I had this impending feeling that I am missing a key component to my intimate relationships. I have felt that there is still something I have not discovered that will be key to my own next steps towards a healthy mature relationship. I remember the first time this feeling came over me. I was watching a reality show on TV where a rock star was looking for a wife. He was chatting with one of the “prospects” and he asked her, “and what does it mean to you, to be my wife”. She replied, “Well, I am an excellent house cleaner and I can make you wonderful dinners. Your house will always be clean and your tummy full.” He replied, “I have maids that do that already.” Ever since that show, I have been inquiring in my own mind…really then, what is it that men truly value in a wife, if it is not the caring of the home. Like this guy, who has the money to buy anything he wants, what else COULD a wife provide for him? Couldn’t be just sex added on – as he could buy that too. So the answer that did come to me was…true intimacy.
The question of “what is true intimacy” took its place in my mind and I have been pondering the idea of what that truly is, ever since. I felt that it had something to do with depth. I felt that it had something to do with what you alone would provide another, in a depth so great that no-one else could emanate. And in that depth, is where the deepest connection of love would reside, holding this relationship truly apart from all others. But, I just couldn’t put my finger onto what that key was.
Finally an answer and a clarity came to me. Through Carista as the messenger and the knowledge I embody already along with the intense life struggle I have most recently been privileged to experience – it all jelled together into one complete wisdom! And here is the insight I have to share with you today, my sisters.
It is all about LOVE. It always is. But now I can define it in these words.
What holds two people together, in an undying and unsinkable love is their DEPTH of emotional connection. And this depth of connection is nurtured and secured in the sharing of their deepest pains and vulnerabilities. Now, you may say – well that is a given, everyone already knows this. But the new key here is … HOW do we create that environment and experience. We all may KNOW this, but can we DO this? It is really quite simple actually, if you can understand the nature of the process.
What I have come to understand through my own experience is this: I have been trying to be “open” to everyone, to all that I meet and have now discovered that I have to be more discerning. At my work, I shared my vulnerabilities and they were used against me. In my past marriage, I have to admit, I did not hold my partner’s vulnerabilities sacred and perhaps stayed in my own wound reactions when he was asking me to be fully available to his needs and insecurities. And even with my own kids, I know I have not always been there for them, when they have come to me, in their pain and suffering and my reaction coming from my own frustration of not knowing how to help them. In my parenting skills, I KNEW that I was to be there to listen to them and to support them, but I did not, until just now, realize exactly what that actually meant, to LISTEN … who knew!
What I realize now is: there is a time and a place for each person. It is not always about ME. When others come to me, it is not for me to figure them out, to help them, to heal them, to DO. That in the depth of their vulnerability, all they really need is for me to be fully present, in their moment. To stand before them and “SEE” them, saying with a compassionate voice what they need to hear, that which builds them back up, soothing their false doubts and self defeating believes, and to hold them in a way that nurtures them (and not necessarily myself in that moment). When a dear loved one comes to me in pain, they are seeking for me to be in a healthy mature LOVE state and not in my own wounded, reactive state. I get that now. This is the place the other is asking me to stand up and be the pillar for them. This is the time the other is asking me to have compassion for their insecurities and vulnerability and to hold a nurturing and healing space for them, allowing them to explore their wounds and perhaps to find awareness and healing around them. Where they can explore and come out the other side feeling calm, nurtured, rejuvenated and strengthened once again.
So the final insight is this: that a “wife” (and hopefully the husband responds equally back for her) is to provide a place where the ones she loves will have a place that provides consistent and predictable responses to the stressors we experience out there in the BIG world. That the wife creates a space (can be called the home) that loved ones can trust will be there for them, where they CAN feel safe and get nurtured should they fall down and need a helping hand up again. A place where love’s softness, tenderness and caring is found. A place where they can find their happiness again and through their trials, grow to be a better person through love and acceptance, no matter what the trial may be. Oh, this is not new to me, I KNOW THAT (mind), but for some reason there was just one little key I was missing, but now it is found (heart) . Now, let’s see if I can “practice” it! (embodiment).